Hello beautiful people,
So my life is this series of adventures, a gift that keeps on giving (?). Anyhoo, without further ado, let me tell you, what’s going on. So I have a personal Instagram handle, which I’ve used for various purposes over the years. It changes when the message I want to share with the world changes. It started with “motivational posts”, went on to pictures of me looking happy that said #effyourbeautystandards. I then took a break and I got back to regular posting when I started the podcast with Ameya. Took another break last year and recently have been active once more because I want to talk about Lifebook and being a Lifebook Leader and all that involves.
Last week, a silly reel that I put up which I literally made in five minutes because I wanted to post “something”, pleased the Instagram algorithm gods, and now has 200k views and has given me 3k new followers (and growing). GULP. Guess the demographic—(cough) men. And look I don’t mean for that to sound like a bad word. I am on dating apps, I date men, I’m looking for someone whose arms I’ll swoon in… all of that. But when inundated with comments on how hot these men find me, other sexual comments and of course the regular trolls, I went into a bit of a spiral.
I was all like, “Did I do this, was it too sexy, but I didn’t mean it to be, oh gosh what will all the people I know in the world think, will they think I’m being provocative on purpose?” All the “well she wore that, did this and so deserved the perversion/sexual abuse/shit” voices came racing to join the party in my head. I even considered deleting my account and starting from scratch. And then I started thinking about the patriarchy and how I was buying into the narrative of the woman being at fault for the men not being able to keep “it in,” and that just made me angry, as f&*^.
As I saw all of this resistance building, I decided to use this as an opportunity to apply my current mental health practice—stepping back and letting go. As I let go of all the judgement that was going on my head, and started feeling relief and some distance from the situation, a different perspective came through. I realised this was an opportunity I may be able to turn around in my favour. Why not drop the avatar I have in my mind of the target audience I think I should have, and target the audience I do have instead? I have always told myself that when I have a “less male dominated following” I will level up with content that I truly believe in and I was like well, hell, why wait, and how about now.
The reason I am telling you this long tale is that this I believe this sort of pivoting is worth a try for every thought, every criticism, every troll, everyone and everything that tells you that you aren’t enough, good, virtuous, slim, healthy, beautiful etc. enough. The world is going to express its opinions and shit on me. The power I give all of that is up to me. It’s not easy; I have been struggling with keeping a “good girl” image for almost five years now and it’s been slowly cracking. This was only the “last straw.” of many “last straws,” I’m sure. There’s loads of other things that impact the ability to make this choice: mental health, abuse, privilege and many other nuances of each individuals lived experience. I think what I am trying to say here is that it’s worth thinking about and trying given the empowerment and freedom that follows, in my experience.
So I leave you with these questions.
What conditioning are we giving our power away to?
What power can we reclaim?
And when will it be a good time to do it?
I’d love to hear what you think and feel about this. To me it’s an important discussion on our road to fat liberation. Write to us!
As always please follow us on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Medium and we have a website—with all of this and more!
Love and hugs,
Pallavi (& Ameya)