Always a work in progess
In which Ameya triggers deeply conditioned fat phobia
Best beloveds,
How are you?
I, I regret to say, am in a very mixed place myself. This might have something to do with the fact that my epic trip is drawing to a close, but it probably also has a lot to do with OKCupid in New York and something I saw on Instagram this week.
Let me start with OKCupid. I have been dating online for many years—I started in 2004—and I have watched the growth and normalisation of it over the past decade with much interest. Now, I’m not really actively dating anymore, but I do like to take a peek into what’s on offer as it were when I’m in a new place, especially because India is a nightmare.
So I changed my location on OKC and I popped in to look. Dear lord the number of men that I saw in ten minutes who I would TOTALLY date. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know perfectly well that I wouldn’t actually get the chance to date most of them, but the very fact that I’m not swiping left in horror, but in fact swiping right in delight is so shocking to me. It made me wonder if I really am happy and content as a single lady or if that’s just because I have waded through so much garbage in India that I don’t even want to try anymore.
And that is when a friend posted on Instagram. He was out with a man I was desperately in love with (for no good reason) for a couple of years, who gaslit me quite a bit, and did such a number on me that I think sometimes I’m still recovering. Said man got married, and his wife was in that photo, and I am ashamed to say that my first thought was, “Oh she’s thin and pretty. See? That’s why he didn’t want you, because you’re fat.”
I caught that thought and I sternly told it I did not welcome its kind around here, and I sent it packing, but I guess it bothers me that after all this time the training is so deeply set that my first thought is always that.
It’s funny how fat phobia manifests in different people. For some, they thing they cannot be smart, for some it is a general lack of self worth across the board. For me, it’s that I am undateable. How silly, no? Rationally I know it is nonsense, and yet emotionally, all those years of being “teased,” of boys and men backing away hurriedly from my friendship because they suspected I wanted more has clearly been rooted far deeper than I thought.
And so, we keep working at it. After all, we’re all just works in progress until we’re done, and we’re only done when we’re dead, right?
On to more cheerful things! I am delighted to have acquired a denim jacket, and styled it well! Also thrilled to have made not one but two trending reels with my fabulous teal corduroys. Pallavi was on fire this week in this sari, and she made this beautiful reminder of what you can thank your body for.
No reading for ya this week, but I feel like you’re ok with that :D
love,
Ameya (& Pallavi)