Fat phobia and the shorts revolution

P going on holiday, fatso concerns and wearing shorts!

Hello lovely people,

I am so happy right now I cannot even begin to tell you. After a gruelling few months, where there were moments I thought I would not make it to this week, I actually have. What’s special about this week? I will be on holiday from Friday!!! For a few weeks, might I add! Jealous? Please be! I have waited and wanted and planned and wished and hoped for this time. It’s kept me going through 20h workdays, emotional overwhelm and having to take time off to get back to long workdays. The good news is, I’ve been able to do almost everything I wanted to get done for a stress free away-time!

I have to admit though, all this excitement apart, I’m also a little nervous. It’s the first time I’m travelling post Covid and as I do the math I realise it is literally 18 months since I last flew out of Delhi. So all the things that usually make me anxious as a fat person are amplified multifold. What if I’m late and can’t walk fast enough? What if my bags weigh heavier and I feel fat shamed as a result? What if there’s someone in the middle seat next to me and their elbows are in my fat all the way? What if I ask for an extra seat belt and it is refused? What if the ramp walking in and out of the plane is flimsy and gives way? What if I don’t get my bags on arrival and I have no clothes to wear there since I can’t just walk into a store and buy clothes my size? What if, what if, what if? 

The mind boggles! One would think after all these years and all this work, I would be free of all this painful thinking. Conditioning is sadly much deeper than that and the pathways are way too strong and have been for too long to be so easily overridden. Last week in fact, while planning this trip, I woke up one morning with a panic attack. The thought running through my head was “no one will ever marry me, because I’m too fat.” The stress of researching an itinerary for a solo trip in unknown territory had obviously brought up this insecurity and it took me the whole morning of deep breaths and other strategies to calm down and see it as just a fear. 

It also led me to a realisation. It’s scary being alone and scarier being alone as a fat woman. That’s what society goes on about, right?  “Lose weight, or no one will ever love you and you will die (early) and alone!” is emblazoned into our brains. Well, fear or no fear, alone or not, I’m not putting my life on hold because of this. If I want to travel and have adventures, I’m going to do it and not hide at home because I may get lonely and I may feel bad. I will feel these things, and I will ride the wave of that loneliness and the scaries and still holiday and still adventure because that’s life. It’s fucked up and unfair and society is a ginormous dick (not in a good way), but it’s not going to beat me down. 

And so I picked myself up, after much self loving and self cuddling, wore a nice outfit and put on some great make up and the rest of the day turned out to be quite all right! Which brings me to the next part of what I want to share with you and that is how liberating it has been to find shorts that fit me and wear them! I mean I love my flowy clothes but there’s something about wearing just shorts and a top in dilli ki garmi (Delhi’s hot weather) that is undeniable, unbeatable and just fucking fantastic. And here’s the good news, I am not self conscious at all. Clearly this part of the rewiring is stronger than the earlier voice in my head which was ugly knees and thighs that are as big as my best friend’s waist, must be camouflaged, at all cost!

Please check out this reel for some fun myth busting and me in my shorts! Also check out Ameya’s flowery hairstyle while she drops some truths, in this reel. We’ve also got another carousel going—all about what eating disorders look like. Check it out and do share! We love how all of this is resonating with y’all and even though we’ve slowed down a bit, we’re going to keep putting out the content you ask us for. 

So stay tuned by following us on @fatsopodcast on all social media. Make sure you’ve got this email coming to your inbox and are subscribed on YouTube and the podcast platforms!

Loads of love, hugs and kisses!

Pallavi (and Ameya)