Long time no see...
Thoughts and Season 3 and sharing some sad
Oh my goodness, it’s been so long, I’ve almost forgotten how we did this. You have forgiven us our absence though, haven’t you? Hee!
When I thought about what I wanted to share, I realised I need to talk about Cat, Caitliń Pausé, you’ve seen her on our Instagram lives and we’ve mentioned her often. What you may not know is that Cat passed away on the 25th of March, a day before we were to record with her for the podcast. And the grief I feel is still as fresh as the day I heard the news. I’m not going to tell you about Cat, that’s all available online. I’m going to be selfish and tell you about what her loss meant to me.
To me living a fat liberated life is to some extent otherworldly and a little bit like cheating the system à la the Matrix. So a being like Cat, who was working at bringing change from within the system is a precious treasure, and so I grieve for her from a “the world is less beautiful without you in it” space.
My grief is also more personal. Cat was the first fat liberated person I had a live, actual conversation with and decided I wanted to have more conversations. Cat was the first person I discussed the idea of the podcast with, the first person we shared our first episode with, the person we told when we thought we would write a book, etc. She was my go-to person in the world of fat liberation and for everything I wanted to do here. Somehow the fact that Cat was there, made me feel I could make all the grand plans I have, happen. And so I feel orphaned and lost. And I grieve for her from a “how do I navigate this world without you” space.
What is the absolute worst, is how I took Cat’s presence and availability to me for granted. She was always just a Skype call or Facebook text away. But I did not make that Skype call or send that Facebook message. Except for work. I wish I had asked Cat for a virtual coffee session, to chat as friends, to get to know her better. I know she would have loved it and I know now that had I done that, I would not feel the CRUSHING regret I feel that she is no longer there. I know so little about a person I love and admire. And it is only in her passing, that I know how much I love her and miss her. Tears are happening as I write this, and somewhere I want to keep this regret alive, so I remember to make the effort. I grieve for her from a “I am so sorry, I did not tell you ‘I love you’ enough” space.
Which brings me to why Season 3, is so special! Because here we are talking to some amazing people. People who make a difference to this quite messed up world. I know I’m being secretive while Ameya wants to announce it all, but I just feel the slow reveal is exciting… hehehehehe. I can tell you this, every conversation has been insightful, addictive, inspiring and has brought out even more of our experience as fat women. Just as Ameya and I think we are talked out, here are brand new opinions we have and thoughts to think and confidence to grow into.
You know where to find us! We’re on all major podcast apps or you can use this link. Our first episode is with Substantia Jones y’all, she’s a riot and we could not stop talking! Do listen, and if you enjoy our work, leave a review? Also share with friends and family.
Also to follow us, we’re @fatsopodcast on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and also on Medium though we’ve replaced the blog with the newsletter. We have a YouTube channel with a few videos that summarise some of our key messages. Basically, we are everywhere and love to hear from you!
Love and warm hugs for now,
Pallavi (& Ameya)